In an effort to bring support costs to zero, Airbnb today announced it will begin partnering with zoos to have monkeys in the call centers, as the company plans to transition to a 100% simian support staff by the end of fiscal year 2028. "We simply can't see why we're paying Filipinos $2/hr when we could be paying NOTHING!" said CEO, Brian Chesky.
Airbnb is already slammed on the daily for its piss poor customer support, with an entire website called Airbnbhell.com boasting tens of thousands of horrific stories from using the platform for booking accommodation. Reddit and Facebook also have hundreds of posts daily about bad experiences with support staff, most citing a lack of understanding of English being a major problem resulting in bungled support cases that cost Airbnb customers an extra 50% over what they have agreed to pay. Doubling down on incompetency in support, Airbnb simply sees apes as the next step in building the world's worst support staff.
Some asked whether or not the monkeys would be compensated, to which Cheskey replied, "All the bananas they can eat." He then added after a pause, "Well.. maybe two per day, we're not made of money." The company's latest valuation sits at about $80 billion. Our undercover team also found the office pictured below at Airbnb headquarters. Cheskey declined further comment.
Animal lovers have chimed in on the ethics of using monkeys at for-profit companies without pay. "I think it's cruel they're making these monkeys work without pay. They should be living the good life in a zoo, where they've been taken out of their natural habitat and raised in captivity on display for a mostly ignorant public, not forced to be responsible for a multinational's bottom line." Another offered, "If Airbnb can't even treat humans properly, how can we rest assured they will treat monkeys any better?" Another from an animal rights group in Alabama said, "Are't Filipinos monkeys? Why aren't they good enough? What kind of monkey is going to be better than a Filipino monkey?! We demand rights for those animal Filipinos!"
Another researcher posed concern over new sexual harassment and sexual assault risks at the office. "You know it's only a matter of time before someone starts fucking one of the little guys, and then it's AIDS all over again! AIDS 2.0. AIDS omicron variation. The kind of AIDS even Magic Johnson couldn't pay his way out from."
Zoos are expected to file lawsuits if any monkeys are dubiously approached by Airbnb execs. "We need them to be present to entertain the public. We anticipate an initial uptick in visitors to see the monkeys working the phones, but also anticipate a drop later when the monkeys start getting stressed by the volume of work and lack of pay. We hear Tara Bunch is a real slave driver."